love.

"It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, mess around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can't live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses."
- 2 Days in Paris.

Has the cycle finally been broken? Love.

this american life.

I'm writing this blog post at Starbucks. In America. Iced latte in hand. Blackberry beside me. Typing on my MacBook computer. A view of the lake in the distance. I just finished exercising in an air-conditioned gym that is less than 3 miles from my house. I drove to get there. Last night I served $20 steaks to people who are among the wealthiest in the world. Then I went home to sleep in a bed, under a fan, complete with pillows and sheets. Soon I will begin working on my second degree at one of the most expensive universities in the nation. I do not take these blessings and privileges lightly. But today I wonder, why me?

I am immensely grateful to have been born in this country and at this particular time in history. I have been given a life of comfort greater than most can dream. I don't plan to renounce my citizenship or even clean out my closet full of clothes and shoes, but a sense of guilt does wash over me now because I know I have not done enough to make the world a better place. Three years ago I traveled through some of the most poverty stricken nations on earth and now I live as if I've forgotten all that I've seen. I shop too much, spend money on expensive and unnecessary drinks, and do not set myself apart as someone whose purpose is to serve the needs of those less fortunate. It's so hard to remain passionate about the world when surrounded by affluence and apathy. But I blame no one but myself. Listening to Tracy Chapman's song, "Mountains O' Things," reminds me of the calling I've received to care for the poor and provide education to the millions of children living without. I will use my blessings to change the world.

"Oh they tell me, there's still time to save my soul. They tell me, renounce all of those material things you gain by exploiting other human beings." - Tracy Chapman

goodbye asia.

It’s strange to think that one small variable in life has the power to change the whole course of events. I wonder who I would be today if I hadn’t decided to move to Changsha, China 3 ½ years ago. Would I still be living and working in Arkansas? Would I regret not having been brave enough to follow my dream of seeing the world? Who would I be now if I hadn’t met Grant and started traveling throughout the country every weekend? Would I still have fallen in love with Asia, or would I have returned after just 1 year? What career would I have chosen if I hadn’t explored teaching and discovered so much satisfaction in helping others learn? Would I have pursued an advanced degree or would I still be working in youth ministry? So many events have shaped who I am today and I am thankful for the journey. My time in China and South Korea has been the source of invaluable lessons and has forever shaped perspective of the world. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Right now I am flying high over the Pacific Ocean and am about to begin a new adventure. Transition is never easy. My mind is filled with memories of days spent traveling and living in Asia while trying to remain positive and hopeful about the future that awaits me in America. I know that I am ready for a change, but it doesn’t make the move any easier. So much of my identity is now wrapped up in being a foreigner among a sea of people with a language and customs so different from my own. I have grown accustomed to the stares and unfamiliarity. I have found contentment and happiness in the ability to make friends easily and travel to exotic countries on a whim. I have never felt as free as I have during these last few years. In many ways Asia now feels like home. It’s hard to say goodbye to a place that has provided so much joy, so many friendships, and countless new experiences. However, I know that this part of my life must come to an end if I want to move forward and reach new goals.

As I prepare to close this chapter I couldn’t be more thankful for the memories that will always remain. I will never forget the initial excitement of boarding that first flight to the Far East and not knowing what to expect upon arrival. The friends that I laughed and partied with on the backpackers trail in Southeast Asia. The joy I felt hopping on the back of a motorcycle taxi at 4 o’clock in the morning to watch the sun rise over Angkor Wat in Cambodia. The uncontrollable laughter shared at a belly-dancing show on the beaches of Thailand. The moped rides through the streets of Vietnam, Indonesia, and the Philippines. Eating a breakfast of fresh fruit, banana pancakes, and hot coffee on a porch overlooking wing-tipped Balinese rooftops. Riding buses and trains to new cities throughout China. Exploring the markets of Malaysia and feeling so content to travel alone. Photographing beautiful Indian, Khmer, Chinese, and Korean children. Walking around the sparkling streets of Singapore with my best friend and favorite German. Dodging cows and tuk-tuks throughout Rajasthan. Hiking the Great Wall of China for the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth time. Feeling empowered and confident while teaching university students. Turning the corner and seeing the picturesque Taj Mahal. Strolling through the night market in Luang Prabang followed by a heavenly massage before bedtime. Spring mornings spent reading and writing on the patio of the Coffee Bean in Olympic Park. Dancing until the sun came up on the beaches of Thailand, the Philippines, and clubs of Seoul. The hours spent in front of the Forbidden City after midnight laughing and trying to get the perfect Facebook picture. Shopping in Myeong-dong and Sinsa with my best friend. And these memories are just a few of the hundreds that I am lucky enough to call my own. One person doesn’t deserve so much happiness. I am immensely blessed.

I am now returning to America with the hope of obtaining a master's degree in education and social change so that I might one day help to educate refugees, immigrants, and children in developing nations throughout the world. Perhaps the greatest thing that I have learned in Asia is that as a person who has been given every opportunity to succeed in life it is my responsibility to give back. And so a new journey begins.

“Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.” -Unknown

a new year.

It seems so surreal that another year has already begun and now 2008 remains nothing more than a memory of the past. I haven’t given the change much thought, probably because my New Year's Eve was relatively uneventful and nothing out of the ordinary, but the other day I was sitting in the living room watching the news and thought about all the stories that will flash across the screen in the next year. It’s crazy how quickly life changes and current events become nothing more that a part of history. I don’t have any idea what's in store for the next 365 days, but I know I will do everything possible to find joy, contentment, love, and adventure. I will not settle for anything less.

A friend of mine sent me an email the other day recapping this last year of his life, and it caused me to reflect on the moments I’ve been lucky enough to enjoy. The last 12 months have been a whirlwind of experiences and sometimes I still can’t believe it was me in all of the moments that fill my head. I remember dancing the night away at a club in Seoul on December 31, 2007 and looking around in amazement at the dozens of nations represented in a single room. I remember my first snowboarding trip in the mountains of Korea and spending hours in a heated pool taking underwater pictures with friends outside of our condo. I remember the numerous mornings I woke up early and rode my bike to Olympic Park where I would then sit and write and read for a couple of hours before work. I remember long runs on the treadmill at the gym overlooking the busy streets below. I remember visiting Eva's hometown, meeting her family, and feeling so grateful to have found true friendship on the other side of the world. I remember boarding a plane to Malaysia all alone and wondering if I was capable of traveling to new countries on my own. I remember dinners with friends, teaching young Korean children, shopping in the city, and riding a taxi home at night while looking out over the illuminated Seoul skyline. I feel like I have learned so much about myself during this last year. I haven’t always made good decisions, and haven’t always followed my heart, but I have lived. I have experienced incredible moments of joy that outweigh everything negative. Life changes so quickly. In one year I went from dancing the night away in an Asian club on New Year’s Eve, to a quiet evening at home in the suburbs. In many ways the change has been hard but I know it’s the only way we grow. I am thankful for the journey that life has taken me on and am even more thankful that it brought me home to my family once again.

This last year has been one of the best, and I have nothing but hope for a memorable 2009.

first impressions.

A week and a half ago I said a tearful goodbye to wonderful friends who have greatly influenced this last year of my life and boarded a plane for America. Although I have been "home" for a few days I am still in a state of culture shock. Everything is so much different than I remember, or maybe this last year in Seoul has changed me in ways that I am only just now discovering. Anderson Cooper once wrote about his travels by saying, "The longer you are gone, the harder it is to return." America has been my home for the last 23 years but the longer I stay in Asia the more disconnected I feel upon returning. During these last few days I have felt like an alien walking in a foreign land... moving from point A to B but not knowing how I got there. Only lately are things beginning to make more sense as I try to take things one day at a time. Leaving South Korea was one of the hardest moves I have ever made because I miss the life and friends that I left behind so much more than can be expressed in words. I am so thankful for last 14 months that were spent in Seoul. I think it was one of the most formative and exciting experiences in my life thus far. But now that I am in America I want to do everything I can to take advantage of this time with my family and friends before returning to Asia. I don't want to spend my time here dwelling on past memories or disoriented by the American way of life that now feels foreign. I know that the future is full of opportunites to travel, explore, and learn and I am excited to see where life leads. Despite the frequent feelings of sadness and confusion, I will find reason to rejoice!

First impressions upon returning to America:

- The pace of life. After living in a big city like Seoul the American suburbs seem like such a lonely place with their big houses and fenced yards. Everyday I find myself longing to return to a place full of streetside cafes, crowded shopping districts, and busy subways. I miss the constant movement of the city.

- The people. For the last 2 1/2 years I have been surrounded by thin, well-dressed Asians with black hair and almond shaped eyes. Although people are all unique in thier own way, they have the same defining features. Now I find myself in a place where everyone looks drastically different. I can't help but stare at the strange looking, oddly shaped men and women of various colors and sizes that I encouter throughout the day. We are a strange looking race (myself included). Now I understand why so many guys are attracted to Asian women... I would be too!

- The sky. I love the saying that everything is bigger in Texas, and it's true! I love driving along the highway and watching the sunset stretch across the earth. I haven't seen a sky this big, or blue, in a long time.

- The culture. Upon returning to America I have been trying to find something that defines this country. I never realized how diverse our nation is until I began traveling. In America it's not uncommon to see people from many different countries in a single day, or to eat Chinese food for dinner one night and Mexican the next. But in some ways I think this "melting pot" society has erased all uniqueness and left us without our own culture. One of the things I love about Asia is the distinct differences between thier way of life and my own... using chopsicks, eating rice at every meal, bowing to say hello, taking your shoes off in someone's home, practicing tae kwon do, etc. I am on a quest to discover what defines America.

final thoughts.

It's a beautiful fall day in Korea and I've been wandering the streets of Seoul for the last few hours. Work is finished, I have moved out of my apartment, and the return to America is only days away. It's a strange feeling to walk around the city that has been home for the last 14 months and to know you are possibly looking at everything for the final time. Today I feel like the most blessed person on earth as I reflect on the wonderful memories made throughout this last year. One person doesn't deserve so much. I am so thankful to have worked at a school that was organized and efficient and genuinely cared for its teachers. I am thankful to have been given a nice apartment in a beautiful neighborhood that felt like home. I am thankful to have had the opportunity to travel to so many places in Korea and throughout Asia during the last year. And above all, I am thankful for the friendships that were developed here. When I moved to Seoul last August I never imagined I'd find such wonderful people to share the experience with. None of this would have been nearly as fun, or as memorable, if it weren't for my friends that now feel more like family. My mind is flooded with thoughts of nights spent dancing until 4 am in Hongdae, mornings spent talking over a cup of coffee in Olympic Park, bike riding through the neighborhood, playing charades on a love motel bed, shopping with the girls in our favorite areas of the city, learning to snowboard during the cold winter, taking weekend trips to the beach, teaching beautiful Korean children English, developing deep friendships with people from all parts of the world, etc. The incredible moments I've been lucky enough to experience are too numerous to list. I am immensely grateful for this last year of life.

I am trying hard to remain joyful as I reflect on my time in Korea, although a part of me feels sad to leave it all behind. I already anticipate the ache in the pit of my stomach when the plane departs Seoul on Sunday morning. I know this will be the hardest move yet, but I feel confident that life will work out exactly as it is supposed to. As I sit next to the window now in this quiet coffee shop over-looking the streets of Insadong I can see red and yellow and orange leaves float to the ground outside. The changing seasons remind me of God's consistent love. Every year spring fades to summer, and summer to fall, because He directs the movement of the entire world. In the same way, I know God is in control of my life and I have faith that He will never lead me towards something new without having a greater purpose. I constantly wonder if leaving the home I've created in Korea is the right desicion, but I can't deny the pull I feel towards China. Although sad about ending this season in my life, I am excited to return to the country where my love affair with Asia first began. There is so much in store for the future and I eagerly aniticpate the start of something new. Goodbye Korea...

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become." -unknown