somewhere in the middle.

Written March 30, 2008:

I want to preface this by saying I am not crazy.

I'm sitting on my heated korean floor right now. All of my lights are turned off and a single candle is burning on the kitchen table. Sigur Ros is singing to me in Icelandic. I am eating a bowl full of thai coconut curry and drinking a glass of red wine. Life feels like its happening in slow motion.

I've spent a lot of time alone this weekend reading my book about travel, writing, and listening to music. All of this time to reflect has left me feeling completely confused, discontent, sad, but strangely hopeful. The melody of this Sigur Ros song transports me to another world. A place where my thoughts are safe and can find comfort in solitude. Right now I live between extremes. The chaos of the city conflicts with the calmness inside of my apartment. I am so overwhelmed by life. I cant even find the words. I feel like I'm floating between two places. Trying to make sense of something...anything. Trying to find love. Trying to find purpose. Trying to find passion. Trying to find something to believe in. My brain is full of questions. I know I love Asia, but why? Do I love it because I always feel discontent in America, or is there a deeper purpose for my being here? What do I want out of life? How do I portray myself to the world...but better yet, who am I really when no one else is around? Why am I so affected by people? Where is my life headed? Am I worthy of being loved?

Tonight I stepped out of the subway into a dark, cloudy night and never felt more alone. It was one of those moments that even when you have dozens of friends to call, you still feel like you're lost on a deserted island. I put in my headphones, turned on Sigur Ros, hopped on my bike, and just rode without a purpose. I rode over to Olympic Park and kept peddling as though some divine revelation was going to come to me if I kept moving. Nothing happened. Eventually I found a quiet place to sit near a pond with a view of the city lights. I sat there for almost an hour. I must have looked like a crazy person because I spent almost the entire time quietly talking to myself and then to God. It was the most real conversations I've had in years. I told God what I wanted out of life and asked Him over and over again to not forget about me. I talked about my passion for the world and my hope to make a difference. I told Him how meaningless it feels to experience so much joy and beauty, but to have no one to share it with. I told God that I was tired of going home every night to an empty apartment and desperately wanted assurance that it wouldnt be this way forever. Eventually the words turned to tears and numbness washed over me. Tonight just felt lonely. Today I realized for the first time that its just me in this world. I guess on some level I've always known that, but it felt more real today. I chose to come to Korea, and I wouldnt change this experience for anything, but I know all I have here is superfical love. Conditonal friendships. Lately I've realized it doesnt matter where I am in the world, the situation will most likely be the same. I guess its just hard when you so desperately know that you were made to love and take care of someone, but at the end of the day you only have yourself to think about. It's a dizzying feeling. I'm not just talking about romantic love either. Any kind really. Loving someone who is lonely, sick, hungry, etc. My life feels like it lacks purpose without love. It's never been more clear that it is now...I am all alone. How did I not recognize this sooner?

This book I've been reading is about one woman's journey to find contentment while traveling through three very different countries. She spent almost 4 months living in an ashram in India learning meditation and balance. She would wake up at 3 am every single morning to sit in a dark room and chant and pray. She ate vegetarian meals, met people from all around the world, rid herself of most material possesions, and ended up finding God. I'm not claiming to need the same experience, but it sounds so incredible. Sometimes I feel so far from the person i want to be, and want to remove myself from the busyness of the city to find out who I really am and what I want out of life. I'm not sure i know who I am anymore. I'd like to think I have it all figured out...but I dont. I am a constant contradiction. As soon as I finish this email I am going to try and meditate. I'm not very good at being still for any length of time but i am going to try. I think it will feel good to make my head hollow (as my friends in China used to say).

One of my favorite passages from this book says, "I keep remembering one of my guru's teachings about happiness. She said that people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like find weather if you're fortunate enough. But thats not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, and insist upon it, and sometimes even travel the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you dont, you will leak away your innate contentment. Its easy though to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your in crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments."

I know I am blessed beyond anything I deserve. I know I have no right to demand anything more from life. I know that I have a God who loves me. I know I have every reason in the world to be happy. I hate that I am victim to the human condition that always leaves me longing for something more. I desperately want to believe that God has not forgotten about me. I am going to fight to hold onto happiness.

I know i was made for this. To be in the world, traveling, living among people whose culture is so different than my own, and building friendships in the most unexpected places. I find so much joy and content in this lifestyle. I just need to trust the process.

Rejoice!